I've learned...

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
 I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
 I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
 I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts 

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. 

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. 

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
 I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. 

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. 

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. 

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice. 

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. 

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself 

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. 

Murphy's Laws on Vending Machines

Vending machines only contain edible material when you are not hungry.

The person in front of you will always get the last one.

If the vending machine actually has what you want, it will cost more than the amount of change that you have.

Anything you purchase will get stuck and hang on the edge of the rack.

If you only have dollar bills, the vending machine will reject them.

There are only two times when vending machine operators appear: when you kick the machine in disgust, and when you try to shake the machine to make your stuck snack fall.

Vending machine operators will never have a sense of irony or humor.

Murphy's Driving Laws

If you try to leave the proper driving distance between you and the car in front of you, someone will always move in.

The guy that has a bumper sticker that says "If you can read this, You're too close" always tailgates.

Trucks that overturn on the highway are alway filled with something sticky.

There's always room to merge behind a diesel bus.

As soon as you change lanes to a faster lane, it becomes the slowest lane.

If you try to change lanes to get off the ramp, the guy in the lane to your right will always speed up.

Wherever you park your car in the summer, the sun is always shining on the driver's seat.

It takes longer to get there than it does to get back.

If all the cars are coming your way -- you're probably going the wrong way on a one-way street.

If you park several blocks away from your destination, there will always be a parking space right in front of it.

The first bug to land on your clean windshield will always splatter right in front of your eyes.

When you need to change a flat tire, you discover that the spare tire is flat too.

The air conditioning breaks down on the hottest day of the year.

A ding in the door is more aggravating than a dent.

A traffic light will always turn yellow as you approach it.

Your car never malfunctions or makes the same noise in front of your mechanic.

Your car runs worse after being serviced.

The engine falls out of the car the day after the warranty expires.

Your car horn will always get stuck when your're behind a group of "Hell's Angels".

Murphy's Laws on Work

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ....)

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Tax Structure in INDIA(Just for Fun)

1) Qus. : What are you doing?
Ans. : Business.
Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?
Ans. : Selling the Goods.
Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!

3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?
Ans. : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!

4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?
Ans. : Profit.
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

Qus. : How do you distribute profit ?
Ans : By way of dividend
Tax : Pay dividend distribution Tax

5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans. : Factory.
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

7) Qus. : Do you have Staff?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No
Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

10) Qus.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans. : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

11) Qus.: Are you going Out of Station for Business?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

12) Qus.: Have you taken or given any Service/s?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

13) Qus.: How come you got such a Big Amount?
Ans. : Gift on birthday.
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!

14) Qus.: Do you have any Wealth?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!

15) Qus.: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans. : Cinema or Resort.
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

16) Qus.: Have you purchased House?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

17) Qus.: How you Travel?
Ans. : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!

18) Qus.: Any Additional Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

19) Qus.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!

20) INDIAN :: can i die now??
Ans :: wait we are about to launch the funeral tax!!!

How to kill a LION

How to kill a lion By Companies...

Don't Miss the last one...


Cognizant Method:

Hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more....... and more .! ......

TCS method:

Hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
lion dies of hunger and frustration

Kanbay Method:

Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die

IBM's metbod:

Hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...he dies of unemployment. ..

Syntel Method:-

Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches on site and
make sure that he never reaches on site.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:

Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method:

Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari
for implementing flex cube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes
alive he will get band movement (promotion)
holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

Hire a lion .
tell him to merge with Goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance...
lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat....

Polaris Method :

Hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM )
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Patni method:

hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....

Wipro Method:

Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die receiving stupid mails all day........! !!!

Accenture Method:

Hire a lion....
Send him to Chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat Idli,Dosa and Vada
No Hindi, Kannada or no other languages speaking people other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion......


And Last But not the least

Infosys Method:

Hire a lion…

Put it in Luxurious Jungle of Mysore…

After getting posting the lion dies of boredom…..

How to catch a LION

1. Newton's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught the lion (Assuming that you're alive).

2. Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.Now you can trap it easily.

3. Schrodinger Method:

At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage.So set the trap, sit down and wait.

4. Inverse Transformation Method:

We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it.Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion.Lion is in and we are out.

5. Thermodynamic Procedure:

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows every thing to pass it except lions.Then sweep the entire forest with it.

6. Integration Differentiation Method:

Integrate the forest over the entire area.The lion is some where in the result.So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.to lion to trace out the lion.

Filmi Golmaal

It can happen only in Indian Movies

Baghban: Amitabh Bachchan and Hema Malini are separated right after Holi remember Amitabh singing Holi khele Raghubeera?). They are said to be separated for six months, ie from March to September. Within that six-month period, they celebrate Valentine's Day, which falls on February 14, and karva chauth, which is usually observed in October. There is no way these two occasions could come between March and September!

Lagaan: Lagaan was shot in the late 19th century. At the time, an over in cricket used to consist of 8 balls. But in this movie, an over has 6 balls. Maybe modern cricket learnt from the movie.

Amar Akbar Anthony : Three men donate blood at the same time to the same person.

Pyar To Hona Hi Tha: Kajol gets off the train to use the public toilet at the railway station and the train chugs off
without her. Poor girl,little did she know that every train compartment has four toilets inside.

Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi: Akshay Kumar boards a Jet Airways flight to America. Well, well, some promotion for our Indian Jet Airways. That Time Jet Airways was not an International Flight. Or else we say that Movie was Pre -launched.?

Raja Hindustani: Navneet Nishan has short hair before marriage. After tying the knot, she acquires waist-length hair overnight. What a hair-raising experience!

Raja: Dilip Tahil empties a can of petrol over Madhuri Dixit. Minutes later, Sanjay Kapoor takes the same can and pours it over Dilip Tahil. That's what I call an autofill!

Guddu: Manisha Koirala and Shah Rukh Khan are seen hanging on a parachute during a song. But when the song ends, they land on a glider. What a switch above sea level!

Tere Mere Sapne: Priya Gill is doing her BA. But at the bus stop, she is carrying an electrical technology thesis by B L Theraja. What an electrifying interest!

Female typedefs in C language

struct Indian_female_professionals
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge;
char non_co-operative;
}

struct married_females
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossip;
float hopes;
void word;
char unstable;
}

struct engaged_females
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding;
char edgy;
}

struct newly_married_females
{
double dinner_invitation;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_break;
void bank_balance;
char hen_pecked;
}

struct Indian_husband_wife_professionals
{
double income;
short tempered;
long time_no_see_each_other;
void love_life;
char money-making;
}

Definitions

1.Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3.Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4.Divorce:Future tense of marriage

5.Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7.Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8.Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9.Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10.Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11.Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12.Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13.Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15.Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16.Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17.Committee:Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18.Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

19.Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20.Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21.Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22.Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23.Optimist : A person who while falling from EiffelTowersays in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24.Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25.Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26.Father: A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28.Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29.Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30.Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills!!

Girls are Complex

Girls are Complex Structure
- from a guy's point of view

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp

If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

---that's A GIRL!

Chemical Analysis of a Women

Woman - A Chamical Analysis

Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to
550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils with no provocation.
3.Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4.Melts if given special treatment.
5.Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6.Yields to pressure applied to certain points.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones
such as diamonds, rubies and
sapphires among others. 10:48 PM 1/10/2011
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5 . Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.

HAZARDS

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be
maintained at different locaions as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.

How to spot an Indian

* Everything you eat is savoured with garlic, onions and chillies.

* You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.

* You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.

* You arrive one or two hours late to a party, and think it's normal.

* You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

* Your toilet has a plastic bowl next to the commode.

* All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

* You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

* You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

* You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch .

* You live with your parents even if you are 40 years old. (And they like it that way).

* If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel it's your duty to spread the word.

* You only make long distance calls after 11pm.

* If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

* When your parents meet Indian for the first time and talk for a few minutes, you soon discover they are your relatives.

* Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs while talking.

* You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

* It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

* You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.

* You're alw ays interested to know/interfere in others' personal matters, what they are doing, where they are going, etc.

Today's Professional Management FUNDAS

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided , I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means " Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble "

McDonald's love story...

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything ."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered "THE TEETH"

Funny Interview

Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... but we give different,
tailored and suitable answers to the guy !

1. Why did you apply for this job?

I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.


2. Why do you want to work for this company?

I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any
specific company in mind.


3. Why should I hire you?

You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.


4. What would you do if this happened?

Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...


5. What is your biggest strength?

Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of
the fate of company


6. What is your biggest weakness?

Girls


7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more
money, so I am here today


8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job?
I could demand more and stay there.


9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a
change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.


10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

For the same reason why you left your earlier job


11. What do you want from this job?

If no work is given but keep giving good hikes


12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs


13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website


14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?

Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra
than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard


(I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my
current salary by 30%)

IT Definitions

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby .

and lastly...... ......... ..

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby

Conversation between a Software Engineer & his Wife

Husband: (Returning late from work):"Good evening dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: But I told you in the morning.
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers, or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are a useless.
Husband: It's by Default.

Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use... Try after some time.

Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus

Idiomatic Comparisons

As Black As Crow
As Blind As Bat
As Busy As Bee
As Cold As Ice
As Cool As Cucumber
As Cunning As Fox
As Dark As Midnight
As Easy As Abc
As Free As Air
As Greedy As Dog
As Hot As Sun
As Green As Grass
As Red As Bllod
As Soft As Butter
As Stupid As Ass
As Sure As Death
As Sweet As Honey
As White As Snow

A Funny Prayer

Now I lay me Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles.
Please no bags,
And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots.
Please no gray,
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy.
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord,
For all that you've done.