Win an argument

You just don’t win arguments; you can only try to walk away from one with as few scars as possible. A heated argument leaves both parties worse for wear, and it seldom settles anything.

But isn’t democracy itself supposed to be based on differences of opinion and the right to speak freely? In school we are taught to support our position on a given question with evidence and reasoned argument. When the other person doesn’t do so, don’t we have a right to show that he is wrong? We do have such a right, and we should exercise it.

Arguments are sometimes necessary, but you need not argue to “WIN”. People are bound to have different points of view. We get the best laws, production methods, company policies by putting together many points of view.

Here is how you can do this and still maintain good relations with people.

1) AVOID WORDS OF DISAGREEMENT.
As soon as you say” I disagree,” or “I take issue with that”, the other person gets ready to fight back. And if you call the other fellow “ignorant”, “Foolish”, or “all wet”, you attack the man rather than what he has said. It’s much better to give him credit for his viewpoint, state your own position, and then back it up.

2) RECOGNIZE AND RESOLVE BARRIERS
The biggest handicap to reasoned argument is that people are different. That’s why it takes two to make an argument. The old man who liked to talk to himself because, as he put it, “I like to talk to a smart man and I like to hear a smart man talk” was voicing the ideal. When you start mixing prejudices, interests, backgrounds, experiences, and opinions, you strike basic obstacles.

Language is another barrier, but it is largely the result of all the others. Try to speak the other person’s language: that is consider his interests, attitudes, and felling. Probably the key to resolve all barriers is the development of “YOU” attitude, thinking of the other person and his frame of reference, rather than your own.

3) BE PLEASANT
A pleasant manner starts with consideration for the other person’s feelings, that doesn’t mean an artificial smile. A pleasant manner starts inside. Successful debaters realize that a genuine liking for others makes it easier to understand them and their ideas. If you have the proper attitude, your manner will be sincere, your voice calm and modulated: yet your reply will carry conviction.

4) CONCILIATE
Start by looking for areas of agreement, minimizing differences rather than exaggerating them. Credit the other fellow for what he has said. Don’t regard him as“OPPONENT” conciliation replaces argument with the following steps:

•Hear him out. Listening is the key to understanding. Too frequently we listen in order to plan our reply rather than to understand.
•Interpret what you hear in terms of the person speaking. Never interpret another’s thought in your frame of reference, but in HIS.
•Avoid a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude. If you look for troubles, you’re likely to find it. The speaker probable wants to be your friend.
•Look for areas of agreement. There is usually some part of his statement that you can accept, even if you don’t agree with his main point. If you do you have taken a long step towards conciliation.
•State his points accurately and fairly. Some debates say that you should never reply to a point without first stating it. The very act of so doing frequently helps you understand it better. It also lets you cool off. But you must state it accurately, in on wise distorting what you are opponent has said.
•Indicate your own position clearly while avoiding strong language and words of disagreement. “That’s an interesting point of view, Joe, and your facts are quite right, but I wonder is we could consider it from this stand points”. You don’t have to give up your own beliefs meekly accepting all you hear, but use sound reasoning, give accurate facts and present as much evidence as you can to prove you points.
•Effective persuasion is a matter of using examples, comparisons, facts and figures, and statements of experts to prove that your position is sound. But always remember that the other fellow is human. That means he shares with you same basic desires, involving physical well being, family, money, comfort, pride and safety. If you can make your point without irritating or hurting him, you can often win him over to your position.