Funny One Liners

•I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
•I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
•Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
•I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
•Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
•There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
•Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
•Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
•Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
•I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
•Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
•My Reality Check bounced.
•On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
•I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
•You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
•Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. •Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
•Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience.
•Motto of the Bomb Squad: If you see us running, you better catch up.
•The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
•If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
•Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
•Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
•Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
•It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
•Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
•If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
•COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
•The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
•It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
•Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
•The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
•Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
•Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
•I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
•Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
•Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
•Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
•I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
•He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
•She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
•You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
•I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
•Honk if you love peace and quiet.
•Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
•Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
•Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. (engineering guideline)
•Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
•A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
•Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
•Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
•On the other hand, you have different fingers.
•Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
•We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
•He who laughs last thinks slowest.
•Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
•It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
•Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
•I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
•Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
•Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
•OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
•Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
•I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
•Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
•Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
•Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
•Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
•Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
•We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
•Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
•Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
•Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
•Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
•There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
•Keep honking...I'm reloading
•Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
•The face of a child can say it all....especially the mouth part of the face.
•Our lady of blessed acceleration, dont fail us now! -- Elwood Blues
•Remember: Silly is a state of mind, stupid is a way of life.
•The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
•You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
•So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
•If, a two letter word for futility
•Help wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
•Hang up and drive.
•WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
•Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
•I love animals...they're delicious.
•I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
•The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
•Indecision is the key to flexibility.
•There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
•Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
•The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
•The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
•If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
•The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
•Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
•We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
•Down with gravity!
•People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
•Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
•An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
•If you can't be kind, be vague.
•42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
•99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
•The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
•Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
•If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
•Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
•The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
•Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
•When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
•If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
•For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
•Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
•Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
•No one is listening until you make a mistake.
•Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
•Think 'HONK' If You're Telepathic
•It's been lovely but I have to scream now
•Bad Spellers of the World UNTIE
•This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
•I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
•I am the evil twin.
•Let's put the FUN back in dysFUNctional
•Don't give me that attitude - I've got my own
•Vegetarian: Indian word for 'Bad Hunter'
•5 out of 4 people are schizophrenic
•The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
•Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
•How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
•I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
•T-shirt: On the front- 60 is not old.
On the back- If you're a tree.
•I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
•At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
•Life is short, make fun of it.
•I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
•Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.
•I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
•Physically pffffffft!
•Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
•I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
•Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
•Keep staring....I may do a trick.
•We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
•It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
•Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
•Dangerously under-medicated.
•My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
•Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
•Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
•In God we trust. All others we polygraph.
•Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.